Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Never knew I was funny, did you.

There are a great many jobs out there that are done by freelancers.  Writing greeting cards is one of those.  Many years ago, I toyed with the idea of writing cards, but then something got in the way (most probably my realization that writing them was harder than I expected) and I did not follow up.  (The story of my life, really.) I also started writing trivia questions, which I found both easier and more interesting.

While cleaning on Saturday, I discovered the box in which I kept the few that I did attempt.  These are probably ten years old at this point.

While your mileage may vary as to whether these are amusing or not, these are some of my favorites (italics indicate interior text):

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Have you ever wondered, jingle all the way to where?

For your birthday, you should go out to dinner -- and for once, don't eat like a bird!  Besides, most restaurants don't even serve earthworms.

For your birthday, I would give you a perfect rose, gentle waves lapping on a Caribbean shore, a beautiful tropical sunset with cotton-candy clouds... None of those would fit in the envelope.

You know you've been in the hospital too long when you start trying to color coordinate your medicines with your hospital gown!* Get well soon.

I miss you! The dog misses you! The cat misses you! The goldfish misses you! Well, I can't really tell about the goldfish -- he's not very articulate.

I don't miss you.  I really don't  miss you.  I am also Napoleon Bonaparte III.

Mom, I wish I could say that, now that I have kids, I sound just like you, but I don't.  Hey, don't make that face! It might freeze that way and then where would you be?

Queen Victoria had eight children, all but one of them without anesthesia.  That could explain why she was so seldom amused.

The best things in life are green: shamrocks, beer, Kermit the Frog.... Gee, I didn't know he was Irish.

You're the top! You're the Coliseum! You're the double grande decaf mocha with extra whipped cream!  Okay, so I'm no Cole Porter -- you're still the best.

Graduate, remember, as Alexander Pope said, "a little learning is a dangerous thing."  Does this mean you're now a menace to society?

Son, as you graduate and move into the big exciting world on your own, there is only one thing I want to say to you.... I want all my earrings back before you go.

A college student is a bit like  a caterpillar. He spends four years growing and changing, turning into a beautiful winged creature that graduates to fly free upon the breeze... Only to be eaten for lunch by some large corporate bird.  Happy Graduation, anyway.

So you're engaged.  You're not really off the market, you know... You're just in escrow.**


Since there is nothing under the sun that is new, and people do tend to think alike, I would not be surprised at all if some variant of these has appeared on the card racks at Safeway in the past ten years. Still, I thought some of you might find them amusing.

And hey, if I can just find some stock photos that would match them...

*I am on a variety of meds, and once was sorely disappointed when my doctor changed the dosage of one of them to discover that the color of the new pill clashed with the color of the others. Right now, my meds all fall on the pale yellow -- pale orange -- tan spectrum., except for the iron supplements, which are an annoying shade of dark green that just does not go well at all with the rest.

**This actually was a conversation I had with a college classmate when I got engaged.

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